Flow

The river rumbles and tumbles,

it bumbles and fumbles,

it races by with nary a pause

in its passing,

It holds onto nothing

yet carries away mountains.

--Davin Mac Lugh

" you need to be more flexible."  My water witch's words rang in my seemingly thick skull.  "more flexible?" I questioned silently to myself.  That's a first.  All my life, well up until I married my now Ex-wife, people always told me what a laid back "go with the flow" kind of guy I was.  Now many years later and a lot of water under my bridge I am being told that I am not flexible enough.  What, by Lugh's spear happened to me? 

                Taking her words in I began to explore how I am now, how I was then, and how I got here.  It seems to me at some point during my travesty of a relationship with my ex that I lost my flexibility.  I think it was likely a result of trying to survive and emotionally abusive and liable time of my life.  It probably did help me survive those times, the problem however, is that I am no longer in that situation and such a way of being no longer serves me.  Point in fact it is creating a lot of unnecessary stress in my life, which was the motivation that started the conversation in which my wife told me I needed to be more flexible.  So how do I change? 

                The warm spring air was pleasantly playing across the bare skin of my chest, shoulders and back as I sat before my alter.  The sacred fire lit, the well and tree hallowed, I called to Bridghid, the spirits of the land and the stag, and my ancestors.  I had come to seek their wisdom and advice on how to become more flexible with situations.  I began my chant, and it wasn't long before I stood before the open gates and stepped through to the spirit world once again....

                As stag and I walked in the woods side by side, my hand gently resting upon his back he said to me "you lack flexibility because you are attached to outcomes.  When events happen that make those outcomes no longer a possibility you aren't letting go of that, and it is causing you stress.  Desiring a certain outcome is natural, but holding onto that desire, that attachment, is not the way of nature. " 

                So it is. When we hold onto our expected and desired outcomes or situations and they don't happen we are going to feel stress, pain, frustration, and resentment.  The cure is to be mindful of what is going on internally and when we sense that holding on, that attachment and desire for a certain outcome, we must take a deep breath and let go.  Then and only then can we gracefully flow through our day, our week, our month, our year, and our life.  

Nine days of devotion: 6-9

Day 6: Brighid as warrior.  The idea of Brighid as warrior really stems from the Brigantine tribe of Celts from England.  It is within this tribes range that a Roman-Celtic statue of a goddess holding a spear in one hand and a sphere in another with other ruler icongraphy and the word "Brighid" inscribed at the bottom that we get the idea of her as warrior.  There is no lore of her as a warrior in the Irish or Scottish myths.  As for my personal work, I have not called upon this aspect of her, though I do believe it is there.  Though I don't see her providing the skill of the warrior, but rather the fire, the spirit of a warrior.  She is the courage of the warrior.  I know there are certainly areas of my life that I need more courage.  It's time to stop being afraid of nursing; to stop being afraid of making a mistake. 

Day 7: Holy well: Brighid is associated with many holy wells all throughout Ireland, Scotland and England.  These wells are said to purify and heal.  Thus we touch up Brighid as a healer. Wells also signify depth and a deepening of our spirit and spiritual work.  I for one have dived deeply into her well the past few months deepening my understanding of this goddess and my spirituality.  I have frequently called on her to purify my spirit and heal my soul and my health at times. 

Day 8: Brighid as Hearth fire.  Brighid is strongly associated with fire time and again in many subtle ways in the lore.  I strongly feel that this may have been her original and primary association. As the goddess of fire she is the center of the home, and therefore the protector of the home.  As the hearth fire was mostly tended by the woman of the house, she is a goddess strongly associated with woman.  The home is one area of my life that has most certainly been blessed by Brighid.  The love of my wife and children bind us together strongly.  Our home, though very old and a little run down, is large and spacious.  Our friends love to come and spend time with us here.  We are also blessed to have a good sized fireplace, and upon the mantle is the image of Brighid. 

Day 9: Healer  Brighid is seen as a healer and called on often in this role.  I suspect this stems again from her role as a fire goddess.  The fire of health that burns to keep us alive.  The fire of our spirits.  Also herbs were often used in teas to drink to restore one's health and one must have a fire to boil the water to create the tea, thus Brighid as healer.  This is one area that I have called upon her many times to aid me or those around me.  At the start of every shift I ask her to let her healing powers flow through me.  I ask to be her vessel of healing in the middle world.  She often responds and I can tell those times when she is working through me.  It's impossible to put into words, but it's definitely a flow that enters me from on high and travels through my arms and hands.  It's something I just feel.  Too bad it's not accompanied by softly glowing hands and swirling lights. 

nine days of devotion: days 3-5

Continuing with the nine days of devotion...

Day 3: Bridghid as Initiatrix.  I struggled with this concept a good bit as for me it just doesn't fit the lore surrounding Bridghid.  It seems to have come from Wicca who would often do initiations and dedications at this time of year.  Still, Bridghid's aspect as mid-wife does also lend itself to the idea of initiatrix.  Much as I wrote about on day 1 ties into this idea of initiatrix as well.  Brighid can certainly initiate one into many things.  Magic, poetry, song, story, crafting, and many other things.  Personally I believe that she has initiated me into the use of Ogham as a tool for creating magic.  I have used it both in a written form such as sigil magic and as type of oral magic similar to what the Norse call Galdor.  I have had many successful uses of this ranging from protection for my money, to entering into trance, to invoking the spirits of the dead to entering into trance and going on spirit walks.

Day 4: Bridghid as blacksmith.  Here we have the first of her main and most well know attributes.  The hammer, the anvil, the red hot metal.  With skill and strength the goddess bangs away shaping...me.  Those who have worked with the goddess know that we all have to spend some time "on the anvil."  It's those times when we are undergoing a usually unpleasant experience that is going to shape us.  Perhaps it's just a human thing, but I find the hard times easier to deal with when I believe that it is the goddess's hand shaping me upon the anvil.  I know it may be unpleasant in the moment, but when it's done I'll be transformed from a shapeless lump of iron, into a work of art or some special tool.  Struggling through nursing school was definitely time on the anvil for me.  I am not the same person now that I was when I started the program.  Even the water-witch has commented on the changes.  Sometimes the shaping is subtle.  Such as the moment when I realize that my mother is never going to beat her addiction and it's more than likely going to kill her and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It was as a single soft blow made with a light hammer that set me free. 

Day 5: Bridghid the poet.   It is said in the old lore that Bridghid was a patron of poets and bards.  I believe this connection comes from the idea that Bridghid is a fire goddess and in Celtic culture poetic inspiration was equated to "the fire in the head", thus it must come from Bridghid.  So more to the point she is a goddess that inspires.  Inspiration is something I feel has been missing from my life of late.  That firing spark is there, but it does not burn as brightly as it once did. Perhaps it can be attributed to the stress of my new career?  Perhaps it's simply a side effect of working nights and the bouts of depression I have had to deal with as a side effect of changing my sleep patterns.  I asked myself what I can do to increase my inspiration, or give it a channel to flow through.  I didn't come up with any satisfactory answers.  I hope that a more consistent work schedule and getting involved again with the pagan community will help.  I am also beginning to get more involved with ADF as an organization.  Lastly I am getting back to my daily meditation.  All of these I hope will help stoke the fires in my head. 

nine days of Brighid devotion: days 1 and 2

                Imbolc  will soon be upon us dear friends.  As you can imagine this highday is of particular importance to me.  It always has been, but this year especially since I am focusing my spiritual work with Brighid this y ear.  Sassafras grove back east does nine days of devotionals to the goddess Brighid leading up to Imbolc.  Each day they focus on a different quality or aspect associated with our modern concepts of Brighid.  They are kind enough to share their ideas and meditations with ADF and I have been working along with them.  Today would be day three. 

Day 1: Brighid as midwife:  Traditionally this was a literal concept, that Brighid was the midwife to Mary and was invoked during times of childbirth by midwives assisting at births.  Though this may very well be a purly Christian mythos, I certainly can see the connections as a pagan if Brighid is the goddess of flame and hearth, and the hearth is the center of the home, then she is also a goddess of the home and family and by that a goddess to invoke to aid in the birth as it was going to be in the home, near the hearth and a new member of that hearth fire.  As a man in my own spiritual life I have to use this facet of the goddess as a metaphor.  In what way has she been a midwife in my life this past year?  As midwife Brighid has helped me to birth a new career as an RN at a local hospital.  Getting through my schooling was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and long time readers may recall that struggle.  As midwife Brighid is currently helping me bring into the world my new self as a Druid Priest in ADF.  I see her at work with a woman who is just beginning her first steps along a pagan path. 

Day 2: Brighid as foster-mother:  Fostering was a common and powerful social glue used in Celtic culture.  It tied families together, created alliances and secured trade, peace, and family lineages.  Today we no longer carry on fostering as our Celtic ancestors did, though we do have a system.  As an aspect of the goddess  this again ties back to her being the goddess of the hearth flame, the center of the family unit traditionally, and thus the goddess of hearth, home, and family.  Simply put Brighid is the foster mother of us all.  She is here to teach, guide, cajole, scold, congratulate and support.  In her we have the opportunity to find the mother we didn't have in this world.  In my personal life, goddess is teaching me about healing, compassion, balance, finances, mentoring, and time management, depression, and addiction to name a few.  Much of this "education" has not been pleasant to learn or easily gained.  In the end it's wisdom that I am getting, and wisdom is hard won.  If Odin was willing to lose an eye for it, I  am sure I can withstand a little ego bruising. 

Stay tuned for Day 3-9!

Blessings of the Kindred on you all. 

Forgiveness on the forest path

                Recently an ADF member asked a question that  I have often asked myself. Where in our modern druid spirituality does the concept of forgiveness lie?  Is it a virtue?  What did the ancestors and ancient myths have to say?  I am sure many a modern pagan has wrestled with this issue.  It's a drum beat the Christian based over culture beats again and again and again.  So where do we, as modern pagans stand? From what do we draw on? 

                The ancient myths and stories are surprisingly silent on the topic of forgiveness.  In point of fact, in many of them revenge, harsh and cold, is prominent.  We do see stories of an "Eric" or "Wergild" being paid.  That is an exchange of payment to compensate some wrong doing done to another.  The price being based on the value of the victim.  This however speaks more to the idea of justice then it does to forgiveness, so it's not much help.  No in the old stories forgiveness simply isn't there. 

                It seems to me that the concept of forgiveness is very much a child of the Abrahamic traditions.  However that does not mean it should be thrown out the window. One of the main concepts of ADF druidry is that of nurturing relationships.  Relationships with the holy kindred, with the cosmos, nature, each other and ourselves. Thusly forgiveness, it seems to me, is a necessity for the continued healthy *Ghosti of these relationships.  Forgiveness is an important tool to spiritual, emotional, and mental health.  To be clear I want to point out that I am not talking about forgetting.  That is simplistic and foolhardy.  Knowing, believing that forgiveness has intrinsic value, I sat down and began to think about what forgiveness really is?  What is it made up of?  Like a stone in a river I turned it around over and over, taking away the extra and polishing the core of the concept.  What I have come away with is that forgiveness is nothing more than a letting go of anger.  That's it.  It's that simple and yet so hard to do at times.

                It is the natural state of things that we feel emotion.  A complex web of cognitive and subconscious thought, hormones, ego and culture.   Ideally emotions should flow freely like a river or creek.  Sometimes the water is shallow, like the river I grew up on in the summers.  So shallow in places you could walk from one shore to the other never getting more then thigh deep.  Other times the water is deep and fast and dangerous overflowing the banks and seemingly washing us away from time and place.  Always flowing, always coming, that is emotion.  Having someone hurt and anger us is an inevitable part of being in relationship, any kind of relationship.  it's going to happen from time to time.  However when we hold onto the hurt and anger is when we start to have problems.  It's akin to trying to dam up the river.  The anger and hurt build and build and build.  We then are forced to release small amounts of that emotion in some form to keep it from over whelming us and overflowing the banks of the river and the dam.  These dammed and stagnant waters are resentment.  If we don't do something those waters become putrid, tainting the relationship .  The ideal of course is to not build any dam at all.  To simply let the emotions flow, but being channeled into a healthy and constructive outlet appropriate to the situation at hand. When we do build dams, as we all do from time to time, it will be best to tear them down.  That is to let go of the anger and resentment, to forgive.  Only then when we have let go can we get in right relationship with whatever or whoever caused us to feel hurt. 

                Forgiveness is a subtle thing, at times a difficult thing. Even after forty years on this planet, I still struggle with it at times. So how do we let go?  how do we forgive? That is an excellent question, but like so many of the most important questions of life, there is no one easy answer.  It's a learning.  It's something we must all figure out for ourselves.  It seems to me that it is very much a personal process.  Magical workings may be of help.  Perhaps writing, or singing, physical activity and exercise.  For some it may be they can take the dam down quickly, for others it may take longer, and it may depend on just how long or how "high" the dam has been in place and built.  Some hurts may take us years and years to let go of.  Perhaps some we never will, though we should all try, for the beauty of a natural flowing river cannot be understated. 

                So is forgiveness a virtue?  Since I see forgiveness as nothing more than a fancy word for letting go of anger, I say no.  It is a skill and a tool for better health and a happier life for sure.  Letting go is Wisdom and that is a virtue.  Letting go shows moderation and that is a virtue.  Letting go takes vision and perseverance and those are also virtues.  Most of all letting go takes courage and that is most definitely a virtue. 

                The ancient stories don't model forgiveness well it seems to me.  Perhaps it was the time, or they just didn't understand the value of it.  Whatever the reason, forgiveness is a good thing...a healthy thing.  It's part of our modern culture and I hope it stays.  I hope that we all get very good at it.  Not for the benefit of those who hurt us, but for the good of ourselves and for the good of our relationships.

May the kindred bless your journey. 

Chasing away the lonliness birds

I haven't had the heart to write in a long time.  Just as I was beginning my new career as a R.N. The protogrove lost most of its membership.  Just at that time when I needed more support and help with, most everyone walked away.  They all had different reasons.  That and the added stress of a new nursing career and working twelve our night shifts for the first time in my life, well I lost my spiritual footing for a bit.  Instead of doing the work of druidry, I turned to video games.  It was innocent enough at first.  I would stay up all night before my first night of work for the week playing them.  Ah but in the late dark hourse, the "loneliness" birds began to quietly flock in.  Soon I was playing the game during all my free time, seeking to escape the lonely feelings and the stressful feelings.  Yet it only made me more lonely, more stressed.  Without realizing it I slipped into a depressive cycle that only feed into itself.  Thus I did not write, I did not meditate, I did not give offerings.  I let slip my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors.  I forgot to tend the fires of relationship with the kindred, the family, friends, and myself.  I *ghosti was broken.  I felt alone like I have never felt before.  Soul deep loneliness.  Misery.  I suddenly saw myself as Gollum when Bilbo first discovered him alone in the bottom darkness of a giant mountain.  Alone with only my "precious".  Then I remembered.  I remembered when I was happy.  I remembered what I was doing  with my life at that time.  I remembered what it felt like, and some of the "loneliness birds" flew away.   I then took up my crane bag, sat down in front of my alter and I re-established the fires of my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors, and especially with Bridghid.  I asked for their help in ending this depression.  I gave offerings and rededicated myself to the work of druidry.   Then some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away.  When I was done, I got up and set to rearranging the garage and cleaning it out.  It was 2am before I stopped for the time being.  When I went to sleep, I slept better than I had in months and some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away. 

                A few days later and things began to happen.  I was asked to give a talk at a state collage to give a talk to a anthropology class about modern druidry.  I have set my schedule to allow me to return to the weekly pagan meetup group starting in Feb.  As for the protogrove?  I leave that up to the kindred, though currently I am not going to actively seek to rekindle it.  Perhaps if the right people come....

For now it is proper for me to focus on my inner work.  To regain my right relationship with the cosmos, to set my feet firmly again upon the path of peace, joy, and fulfillment.