Monday, January 10, 2011

Stepping out of the fog

Today I did the exercise in the ADF dedicant's path called passing the mists. It seems to me that this is essentially a shamanic journey. Something I am very familiar with and have done for a long time. However, this was the first time I used this technique to enter into a journey or spirit-walk as I like to call them. I started with the simple devotional and called to Lugh and Bridgit. During the mediation portion of the devotional is when I did the spirit-walk. I would say it went well. In the spirit world I walked around my property. When I reached the back yard, I was lifted up buy a great wind that shot me high high high into the air. I was looking down upon the earth and still I could make out the light of my little hearth fire. After a moment I was hurtling back toward the earth and my yard. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time. Just before I hit the ground the descent slowed and I was gently placed upon my feet. I heard the sound of a wooden wheels and the the clomping of horses. I looked up from my feet to see who I believe to be Lugh in his Chariot there with me. He held a spear and radiated. He did not speak but merely looked at me as if to say "I see you". Then he give a little flick with the reigns and he was gone into the sky. I sat at my outdoor meditation spot and tucked my knees into my chest and sat a while in thought. I was thinking about an incident I created yesterday. I had acted in an unjust manner that greatly upset my wife. At the time I quickly recognized my wrong and have made amends. Still I am not content to simply let it go. I didn't understand why I had acted in such a way. So I gave it some thought and as I was doing that I felt a woman's presence all around me. A gentle feminine voice answered my pondering "You acted out of anger and frustration grown from your bad luck in business and job hunting." I asked how do I change that and the woman's voice said "to open my heart to the world, to breath in the goodness all about me, to trust in the gods." I did as instructed then. I concentrate at my chest and visualize gates at my heart opening out to the world. On a physical level, I feel a relaxing of the intercostal muscles over my left side. Spiritually, or perhaps energetically I felt a whoosh of "stuff" leave me. Anger, hurt, frustration. I felt a "cool breeze" flow in. I felt a greater sense of peace and relaxation came over my physically. Still I felt despair though. I asked the voice to help me get into the certified nursing class that I am interviewing for today. I told her that I need this. That it's what I want. I told her that I need a break. I told her that I am not sure how much longer I can stand up to all this bad luck I have had in the way of career and income. The woman's voice told me that she can not guarantee to get me in. That it is up to the interviewer's and she can not nor will not alter their free will. She said she can inspire me to say all the right things and she would be with me. I found myself just repeating over and over "help me" like it was a short prayer. The woman's voice was silent, but I caught a glimmer of the face of a beautiful and motherly woman. I am not sure how long i just sat there like that, but eventually I felt the presence leave and I was alone. I chose to end my little spirit-walk, and I walked back into my home and stood before my physical body. I stepped into it and ended the walk. I opened my physical eyes and had a small surprise though I felt very little time had passed in my spirit-walk, the fact that incense sticks were completely burned to nothing spoke otherwise. I ended the rite giving thanks. So how am I now? Well, I feel better. Lighter. I don't feel angry or frustrated. My interview is an hour away and I am a bit scared. I want to be one of the 20 picked for this. I want it bad. I want a change in my luck. I want to be a nurse and this is a major stepping stone in that direction.

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