I haven't had the heart to write in a long time. Just as I was beginning my new career as a R.N. The protogrove lost most of its membership. Just at that time when I needed more support and help with, most everyone walked away. They all had different reasons. That and the added stress of a new nursing career and working twelve our night shifts for the first time in my life, well I lost my spiritual footing for a bit. Instead of doing the work of druidry, I turned to video games. It was innocent enough at first. I would stay up all night before my first night of work for the week playing them. Ah but in the late dark hourse, the "loneliness" birds began to quietly flock in. Soon I was playing the game during all my free time, seeking to escape the lonely feelings and the stressful feelings. Yet it only made me more lonely, more stressed. Without realizing it I slipped into a depressive cycle that only feed into itself. Thus I did not write, I did not meditate, I did not give offerings. I let slip my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors. I forgot to tend the fires of relationship with the kindred, the family, friends, and myself. I *ghosti was broken. I felt alone like I have never felt before. Soul deep loneliness. Misery. I suddenly saw myself as Gollum when Bilbo first discovered him alone in the bottom darkness of a giant mountain. Alone with only my "precious". Then I remembered. I remembered when I was happy. I remembered what I was doing with my life at that time. I remembered what it felt like, and some of the "loneliness birds" flew away. I then took up my crane bag, sat down in front of my alter and I re-established the fires of my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors, and especially with Bridghid. I asked for their help in ending this depression. I gave offerings and rededicated myself to the work of druidry. Then some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away. When I was done, I got up and set to rearranging the garage and cleaning it out. It was 2am before I stopped for the time being. When I went to sleep, I slept better than I had in months and some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away.
A few days later and things began to happen. I was asked to give a talk at a state collage to give a talk to a anthropology class about modern druidry. I have set my schedule to allow me to return to the weekly pagan meetup group starting in Feb. As for the protogrove? I leave that up to the kindred, though currently I am not going to actively seek to rekindle it. Perhaps if the right people come....
For now it is proper for me to focus on my inner work. To regain my right relationship with the cosmos, to set my feet firmly again upon the path of peace, joy, and fulfillment.
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