Thursday, December 31, 2009

The gentel guid

A large part of my magical practice is shamanic in nature. In these I have four animal guides. The Stag was the first who came to me and as I like to say is my MVP. He is always there. One aspect of the stag is that they are said to gently lead people to adventures. Recently I have found this to be true, not just for me, but through me for others. I am discovering that my strongest magics are not those that I do for others, but those that I lead others to do for them selves. I have also noticed that I am "hearing" more messages from Stag, and this morning from Fox while I am in a normal state of consiousness then I did before, especially in the last 24 hours. I am not sure what the change is other then my continued practice and work. I suspect the "opening of my heart gates" has perhaps opened more then that, some how allowing me to be more in touch with my guides. This can only be a good thing. The wind talks and I am listening.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A mother's test

On the 22nd I went to my home town to spend a week with my parents and most importantly my two children. My children were happy, healthy, and very loving with me. In many ways they nourished my long starved daddyness. The focus of this writing however is not about my children, but instead about my mother and the test she laid upon me. In past writings I have written about the opening of the gates of my heart. I sensed then that this would make me vulnerable at times. I had one of those moments. My mother and father are going through, well through a difficult life. Though they have every desire financially, they are still miserable. I am not sure at what point they became this way, but they are. At times, that misery comes out in things my mom says. Words that were hurtful and at some level were meant to be. While I was there I found myself feeling like she was trying to play some sort of emotional passive aggressive cloak and dagger battle with me. The test to me, was about could I stay loving and kind? Could I keep the gates open and the love flowing freely? The result? No I couldn't. I will say however, that I reacted to the "attacks" much better then I would have even a few months ago. Yes I have a long way to go and much to learn. It is progress. In the end, I feel I failed the test, at least by my high standards. On the flip side, my mother called me today to apologize for her behavior and words and told me how nice it was to have me there. It is her way of saying the "test" is over...for now. I wish I felt the same. Honestly, if I had had the means, I'd not have stayed at her home. It is a wealthy and beautiful house. It is also filled with great pain and misery. As a healer I want nothing more then to lead them into the light of life again, but alas, as my friend so aptly put it "when it comes to family, you could yourself BE the light, and they wouldn't see it." I am happy to be home.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Things work out better then you could plan it.

The title of this entry is a phrase that I learned from one of the OBOD Gwersu. It made itself very apperent last night at the Alban Arthran rite I wrote, and led. For all my planning and thinking, working to have it memorized, and generally making sure it would run smoothly, never could I have planned the beautiful wedding proposal that came during the Symbul. Nor could I have guessed the announcment of the new life growing inside one of the participants! Most of all I never would have guessed or planned to be asked to be the god father of the coming child AND to be the officiant of the wedding! I am honored by such requests in ways I don't think I could ever put into words. After the ceremony we retired indoors for a feast, and what a feast it was! The food was all made with love and wow!, did it ever taste good! Stuffed mushrooms, cream of brocolli soup, penne pasta with home made sauce and sausage, fresh baked breads, beef stew, cookies and pear bread! I must have put on three more pounds!

There are a few things I would do different in the ritual aspect though. Next time I will go back to do a more guided meditation. I'll try harder not to get the words air and earth mixed up when calling quarters and the like. Lastly, no matter how friendly and sweet dogs are, I'll make sure they are kenneled or tied up away from the ceremony. Having a dog lick your face when your deep into meditation is distracting to say the least! Having the owner get up and put the dogs away in the middle of the meditation only adds to the distractions.

It was a night I will never forget. I was touched in my heart and soul in amazing ways. It's nights like last night that make me know why I do what I do, and why I believe what I believe. The Mabon was definiately with us last night. New lights were being born. Hail the Mabon!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Bone tired

This week, we have been moving our house hold down the street to a much bigger and needed place. However it has left me little time to meditate and no time to write. I must say though that I have enjoyed listening to the Gwersu over and over and over as I pack, lift, transport and lift again all the boxes. I am excited to move into the new house, but wow am I tired! I don't ever remember being this tired from moving locations before. The main rub though to all this packing and moving, is that I am going to lead a ritual for the pagan meet up this Sunday and though I have it all written out, I don't have it memorized as well as I would like to yet. Wish me luck!

Monday, December 14, 2009

I realize it's been some time since I posted an entry. I am in the process of packing up my house to move to a a bigger place. I don't have as much free time as I'd like and most days I have to decide between doing my inner work and meditations or writing on my Blog. My priorities are of course doing my inner work.

I recently joined The Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids (OBOD). I got my first materials from them last week and I am really enjoying it. I am learning a lot of widom already. I also am already incorperating elements of thier rituals into my own for this up coming Alban Arthran.

This weekend I went to a belly dance festival with my b'loved Marluna and her troop sisters. This is always an interesting experiance for me as I am pretty much the only guy around. I love being with my love, and her friends are cool. I had a good time, and yet it's not "MY" thing. Being the only guy around I find that I have to know when to be there and when to make myself scarce. I did an "invisiblity" spell in such a way as when I made a certian hand gesture I'd not be noticed. I think it had an interesting side effect though. I came to realize last night looking through the pictures taken, I am not in any of them! That might have a lot to do with that I was the one behind the camera a lot, but still I found it a bit odd. Perhaps some one else has a picture of me.

I did get an Alban Arthran ritual written up, and I think it's pretty good. I hope that those who will be there will take a lot from it and enjoy it. I really enjoy writing rituals and "performing" them. The idea that "Ritual is poetry in the world of action" really resonates in my heart. A ritual well done can touch people in magical ways and change their life. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know that I had a hand in bringing that about.

I am still working on those gates, and still experiancing life in new ways because of it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Opening the gates...

So I have decided I want to open the gates. I sat in meditation today and I opened my heart. I say this because that's what it feels like muscles around my heart relaxing. Like great double doors swinging out. I felt radiant, I felt energy flowing through me like I have never felt before it felt amazing. Absolutely amazing! I felt peace, joy, happiness. I finished and got on with my day. Now at the end of the day, and it was a good day, I feel as if the doors, the gates, have shut if not all the way mostly. I don't feel bad, but I don't feel as open as I did at the start. Could be that I am tired, but mostly I think that it's more about habit. I am used to having the gates shut, so when I am not mindful they "close" up out of habit. Perhaps we are not supposed to have the gates wide open all the time. Perhaps it just takes practice. I am going to keep working with this, testing it out and seeing what happens. I feel changes taking place within me that I just can't put words too. Not yet any way. I still haven't talked to my ex about her latest game. Nor do I intend to. Really there is nothing to talk about. Yesterday my love made the comment "I bet she's wondering why you haven't called her yelling and screaming, I bet she's wondering why it's taking the letter so long to get to you." Yeah, I bet she is wondering. I hope that from now on, all she gets from me is a feeling of wonder.
In other things, I have been honored by a local coven and asked to tell a story at their Winter Solstice celebration. I have also been honored with the request to guide a friend on a spirit-walk.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Raven at my chamber door

...So to follow up the last post. I sat down to meditate thinking I would do a discursive meditation only, when I felt the pull of the spirit world. I have come to recognize this feeling. It's a bit hard to describe, but sort of like your gonna fall asleep, but in the direction of the pull. Well, I felt a pull to the underworld. How do I know, cause I was being pulled straight down that's how. I simply relaxed my "hold" on my body, letting my mind "slip" and awaaaaay I went straight down. There I was met with spirit raven who then became the Morrigan. We spoke. It seems she would like me to become her dedicant. It's quiet the honor, but she's not the god I want to dedicate too. I love to have a working relationship with her, but I need/want to work with the other shining ones as well. Now comes the question how to politely tell her this. She's not a goddess who takes "no" easily judging from the stories.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Moon over Raven

As I was walking back into the house this morning after opening and closing the gate for my be'loved. I looked up and could still see the nearly full moon over a pine tree with a raven on top. It was a moment that seemed to stretch to eternity with it's beauty. I know the Morrigan was speaking to my soul, just not sure of the message...yet.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

To open the gates...or not?

Long ago, or so it seems to me, I met my first wife. Little did I know how much damage she was to do to me on the inside. I grew up wealthy. Being financially well off allowed me time to begin to study spirituality at an early age. People would have described me as kind, warm, friendly, laid back. Given some thought I think they would have said wise. I was the guy every one came to for help with thier issues, crisis, and hangups. I never got invited to parties, I wasn't popular, but quietly I was everyones friend. I was ok with that. It's how I wanted to be. I was loving, without being sexual, discerning without being judgmental. I was objective with out being cold and distant. Once I met my now ex-wife, that all changed. I thought I could fix my ex. I thought I could help her heal and she would become some kind and loving woman. I was wrong. Instead I became like a fortress. First I closed the gates of my heart. Still I felt attacked, so I placed guards on the ramparts, then came barbedwire, and minefields. I was no longer trusting. I was no longer loving, warm, friendly. I could fake it, but people felt the distance, the plasticiness. When I did open up to a few, all I had was misery to share, and people will only take that for so long before they leave. It's not thier fault, it's natural. I thought I could change my Ex. Instead I am the one who changed. We can not change others, no matter what we think or do or how we try. It's a fact. I can present reasons for a person to change. I can give them arguments for change, I can give them behaviors, but in the end it comes down to them. Only thing that can change a person is the person themselves. It must come from within. In my story, I changed myself. I had to, to survive the emotionaly abusive and crazy life I was now married to. With the help of a little raven, who was able to over fly the mine field, barbed wire, past the guards at the ramparts and into my heart, I finaly realized how lonely, misserable, deseperate and ugly I had become. I then dissolved the marrige. I moved away, and came to live in a new place. I have met new people. The assult on my emotions is over. It has been two years since I moved, and I am finaly removing the last of my protections that took me years to build. With the use of Magic I have dug up the mines and recycled the barbed wire. I have retired the soldiers. It's not an easy process, and at times is scary. Now I am left looking at the gates from the inside. JMG says in his book that once the telluric and Solar currents are invoked, changes take place rapidly. I am begining to see, or feel rather, what that means in me. I feel my old self returning, the one I was in High school, the one who was warm, friendly, and kind. The me who used to relish in hugs instead of the me who feared them. I feel as if this winter solstice isn't just above me, but in me. As the sun is "reborn" and it's warmth begins to return to the earth, so too in me is love. Not the love of woman, or of a child or other family member, but the "Love" with a Capital L. The love of the world and all people, yes even of the broken people like my Ex. Perhaps because today is my birthday, I have been thinking the last few days if I were to die suddenly, how would people describe me to others? Brave, loving, kind, generous, sweet? Or would it be bitter, stupid, failur, coward, poor father? Maybe some where in the middle? I know how I want to be remembered, and I can see what I have to do to make that happen. Yesterday I meditated on my ability to Love. Can I love again, the world, as I once did? Is it possible to Love and still be protected? Do I have to be vulnearable to the world to love the world? Would that make me naieve? As each question came I tried to find an answer. Some I discovered I'll simply have to do and see. The reality is that I feel Love growing in me, and I don't think I can keep it shut away like I once did, it's simply growing to strong, and in that strength of love, I am finding there is protection, that I don't need be afraid. Perhaps I will be more vulnerable in some ways, but is that such a bad price to pay to be free? Is that to much to pay to be kind, warm, and loving again? When I die, I want people to remember me as these. I want to go fourth from this life with Love in my heart and acceptance of death in what ever form fate and destiny bring it to me. Great love, I am beggining to feel, is in itself a form of protection. So here I find myself standing between a great and returning sense of love and the barred gates of my heart. Fearful and excited all at the same time. Do I open them and let the loving warm glow out to the world? Do I keep them closed still, to protect this returning love? Do I keep them closed forever and charge people for emission? Can I keep the doors barred as I feel this Love growing to overpowering? Will I explode if I try? Will it all go away if I open the doors? Will it die off if I don't? I want to open the doors, and yet, I know fear is holding me back still. Open or not to open, either way I know that what I choose will have huge reprocussions down the road. In a sentence what am saying is: I want to Love, do I have the courage to do so?