Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A mother's test

On the 22nd I went to my home town to spend a week with my parents and most importantly my two children. My children were happy, healthy, and very loving with me. In many ways they nourished my long starved daddyness. The focus of this writing however is not about my children, but instead about my mother and the test she laid upon me. In past writings I have written about the opening of the gates of my heart. I sensed then that this would make me vulnerable at times. I had one of those moments. My mother and father are going through, well through a difficult life. Though they have every desire financially, they are still miserable. I am not sure at what point they became this way, but they are. At times, that misery comes out in things my mom says. Words that were hurtful and at some level were meant to be. While I was there I found myself feeling like she was trying to play some sort of emotional passive aggressive cloak and dagger battle with me. The test to me, was about could I stay loving and kind? Could I keep the gates open and the love flowing freely? The result? No I couldn't. I will say however, that I reacted to the "attacks" much better then I would have even a few months ago. Yes I have a long way to go and much to learn. It is progress. In the end, I feel I failed the test, at least by my high standards. On the flip side, my mother called me today to apologize for her behavior and words and told me how nice it was to have me there. It is her way of saying the "test" is over...for now. I wish I felt the same. Honestly, if I had had the means, I'd not have stayed at her home. It is a wealthy and beautiful house. It is also filled with great pain and misery. As a healer I want nothing more then to lead them into the light of life again, but alas, as my friend so aptly put it "when it comes to family, you could yourself BE the light, and they wouldn't see it." I am happy to be home.

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