Flow

The river rumbles and tumbles,

it bumbles and fumbles,

it races by with nary a pause

in its passing,

It holds onto nothing

yet carries away mountains.

--Davin Mac Lugh

" you need to be more flexible."  My water witch's words rang in my seemingly thick skull.  "more flexible?" I questioned silently to myself.  That's a first.  All my life, well up until I married my now Ex-wife, people always told me what a laid back "go with the flow" kind of guy I was.  Now many years later and a lot of water under my bridge I am being told that I am not flexible enough.  What, by Lugh's spear happened to me? 

                Taking her words in I began to explore how I am now, how I was then, and how I got here.  It seems to me at some point during my travesty of a relationship with my ex that I lost my flexibility.  I think it was likely a result of trying to survive and emotionally abusive and liable time of my life.  It probably did help me survive those times, the problem however, is that I am no longer in that situation and such a way of being no longer serves me.  Point in fact it is creating a lot of unnecessary stress in my life, which was the motivation that started the conversation in which my wife told me I needed to be more flexible.  So how do I change? 

                The warm spring air was pleasantly playing across the bare skin of my chest, shoulders and back as I sat before my alter.  The sacred fire lit, the well and tree hallowed, I called to Bridghid, the spirits of the land and the stag, and my ancestors.  I had come to seek their wisdom and advice on how to become more flexible with situations.  I began my chant, and it wasn't long before I stood before the open gates and stepped through to the spirit world once again....

                As stag and I walked in the woods side by side, my hand gently resting upon his back he said to me "you lack flexibility because you are attached to outcomes.  When events happen that make those outcomes no longer a possibility you aren't letting go of that, and it is causing you stress.  Desiring a certain outcome is natural, but holding onto that desire, that attachment, is not the way of nature. " 

                So it is. When we hold onto our expected and desired outcomes or situations and they don't happen we are going to feel stress, pain, frustration, and resentment.  The cure is to be mindful of what is going on internally and when we sense that holding on, that attachment and desire for a certain outcome, we must take a deep breath and let go.  Then and only then can we gracefully flow through our day, our week, our month, our year, and our life.  

Nine days of devotion: 6-9

Day 6: Brighid as warrior.  The idea of Brighid as warrior really stems from the Brigantine tribe of Celts from England.  It is within this tribes range that a Roman-Celtic statue of a goddess holding a spear in one hand and a sphere in another with other ruler icongraphy and the word "Brighid" inscribed at the bottom that we get the idea of her as warrior.  There is no lore of her as a warrior in the Irish or Scottish myths.  As for my personal work, I have not called upon this aspect of her, though I do believe it is there.  Though I don't see her providing the skill of the warrior, but rather the fire, the spirit of a warrior.  She is the courage of the warrior.  I know there are certainly areas of my life that I need more courage.  It's time to stop being afraid of nursing; to stop being afraid of making a mistake. 

Day 7: Holy well: Brighid is associated with many holy wells all throughout Ireland, Scotland and England.  These wells are said to purify and heal.  Thus we touch up Brighid as a healer. Wells also signify depth and a deepening of our spirit and spiritual work.  I for one have dived deeply into her well the past few months deepening my understanding of this goddess and my spirituality.  I have frequently called on her to purify my spirit and heal my soul and my health at times. 

Day 8: Brighid as Hearth fire.  Brighid is strongly associated with fire time and again in many subtle ways in the lore.  I strongly feel that this may have been her original and primary association. As the goddess of fire she is the center of the home, and therefore the protector of the home.  As the hearth fire was mostly tended by the woman of the house, she is a goddess strongly associated with woman.  The home is one area of my life that has most certainly been blessed by Brighid.  The love of my wife and children bind us together strongly.  Our home, though very old and a little run down, is large and spacious.  Our friends love to come and spend time with us here.  We are also blessed to have a good sized fireplace, and upon the mantle is the image of Brighid. 

Day 9: Healer  Brighid is seen as a healer and called on often in this role.  I suspect this stems again from her role as a fire goddess.  The fire of health that burns to keep us alive.  The fire of our spirits.  Also herbs were often used in teas to drink to restore one's health and one must have a fire to boil the water to create the tea, thus Brighid as healer.  This is one area that I have called upon her many times to aid me or those around me.  At the start of every shift I ask her to let her healing powers flow through me.  I ask to be her vessel of healing in the middle world.  She often responds and I can tell those times when she is working through me.  It's impossible to put into words, but it's definitely a flow that enters me from on high and travels through my arms and hands.  It's something I just feel.  Too bad it's not accompanied by softly glowing hands and swirling lights. 

nine days of devotion: days 3-5

Continuing with the nine days of devotion...

Day 3: Bridghid as Initiatrix.  I struggled with this concept a good bit as for me it just doesn't fit the lore surrounding Bridghid.  It seems to have come from Wicca who would often do initiations and dedications at this time of year.  Still, Bridghid's aspect as mid-wife does also lend itself to the idea of initiatrix.  Much as I wrote about on day 1 ties into this idea of initiatrix as well.  Brighid can certainly initiate one into many things.  Magic, poetry, song, story, crafting, and many other things.  Personally I believe that she has initiated me into the use of Ogham as a tool for creating magic.  I have used it both in a written form such as sigil magic and as type of oral magic similar to what the Norse call Galdor.  I have had many successful uses of this ranging from protection for my money, to entering into trance, to invoking the spirits of the dead to entering into trance and going on spirit walks.

Day 4: Bridghid as blacksmith.  Here we have the first of her main and most well know attributes.  The hammer, the anvil, the red hot metal.  With skill and strength the goddess bangs away shaping...me.  Those who have worked with the goddess know that we all have to spend some time "on the anvil."  It's those times when we are undergoing a usually unpleasant experience that is going to shape us.  Perhaps it's just a human thing, but I find the hard times easier to deal with when I believe that it is the goddess's hand shaping me upon the anvil.  I know it may be unpleasant in the moment, but when it's done I'll be transformed from a shapeless lump of iron, into a work of art or some special tool.  Struggling through nursing school was definitely time on the anvil for me.  I am not the same person now that I was when I started the program.  Even the water-witch has commented on the changes.  Sometimes the shaping is subtle.  Such as the moment when I realize that my mother is never going to beat her addiction and it's more than likely going to kill her and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It was as a single soft blow made with a light hammer that set me free. 

Day 5: Bridghid the poet.   It is said in the old lore that Bridghid was a patron of poets and bards.  I believe this connection comes from the idea that Bridghid is a fire goddess and in Celtic culture poetic inspiration was equated to "the fire in the head", thus it must come from Bridghid.  So more to the point she is a goddess that inspires.  Inspiration is something I feel has been missing from my life of late.  That firing spark is there, but it does not burn as brightly as it once did. Perhaps it can be attributed to the stress of my new career?  Perhaps it's simply a side effect of working nights and the bouts of depression I have had to deal with as a side effect of changing my sleep patterns.  I asked myself what I can do to increase my inspiration, or give it a channel to flow through.  I didn't come up with any satisfactory answers.  I hope that a more consistent work schedule and getting involved again with the pagan community will help.  I am also beginning to get more involved with ADF as an organization.  Lastly I am getting back to my daily meditation.  All of these I hope will help stoke the fires in my head. 

nine days of Brighid devotion: days 1 and 2

                Imbolc  will soon be upon us dear friends.  As you can imagine this highday is of particular importance to me.  It always has been, but this year especially since I am focusing my spiritual work with Brighid this y ear.  Sassafras grove back east does nine days of devotionals to the goddess Brighid leading up to Imbolc.  Each day they focus on a different quality or aspect associated with our modern concepts of Brighid.  They are kind enough to share their ideas and meditations with ADF and I have been working along with them.  Today would be day three. 

Day 1: Brighid as midwife:  Traditionally this was a literal concept, that Brighid was the midwife to Mary and was invoked during times of childbirth by midwives assisting at births.  Though this may very well be a purly Christian mythos, I certainly can see the connections as a pagan if Brighid is the goddess of flame and hearth, and the hearth is the center of the home, then she is also a goddess of the home and family and by that a goddess to invoke to aid in the birth as it was going to be in the home, near the hearth and a new member of that hearth fire.  As a man in my own spiritual life I have to use this facet of the goddess as a metaphor.  In what way has she been a midwife in my life this past year?  As midwife Brighid has helped me to birth a new career as an RN at a local hospital.  Getting through my schooling was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and long time readers may recall that struggle.  As midwife Brighid is currently helping me bring into the world my new self as a Druid Priest in ADF.  I see her at work with a woman who is just beginning her first steps along a pagan path. 

Day 2: Brighid as foster-mother:  Fostering was a common and powerful social glue used in Celtic culture.  It tied families together, created alliances and secured trade, peace, and family lineages.  Today we no longer carry on fostering as our Celtic ancestors did, though we do have a system.  As an aspect of the goddess  this again ties back to her being the goddess of the hearth flame, the center of the family unit traditionally, and thus the goddess of hearth, home, and family.  Simply put Brighid is the foster mother of us all.  She is here to teach, guide, cajole, scold, congratulate and support.  In her we have the opportunity to find the mother we didn't have in this world.  In my personal life, goddess is teaching me about healing, compassion, balance, finances, mentoring, and time management, depression, and addiction to name a few.  Much of this "education" has not been pleasant to learn or easily gained.  In the end it's wisdom that I am getting, and wisdom is hard won.  If Odin was willing to lose an eye for it, I  am sure I can withstand a little ego bruising. 

Stay tuned for Day 3-9!

Blessings of the Kindred on you all. 

Forgiveness on the forest path

                Recently an ADF member asked a question that  I have often asked myself. Where in our modern druid spirituality does the concept of forgiveness lie?  Is it a virtue?  What did the ancestors and ancient myths have to say?  I am sure many a modern pagan has wrestled with this issue.  It's a drum beat the Christian based over culture beats again and again and again.  So where do we, as modern pagans stand? From what do we draw on? 

                The ancient myths and stories are surprisingly silent on the topic of forgiveness.  In point of fact, in many of them revenge, harsh and cold, is prominent.  We do see stories of an "Eric" or "Wergild" being paid.  That is an exchange of payment to compensate some wrong doing done to another.  The price being based on the value of the victim.  This however speaks more to the idea of justice then it does to forgiveness, so it's not much help.  No in the old stories forgiveness simply isn't there. 

                It seems to me that the concept of forgiveness is very much a child of the Abrahamic traditions.  However that does not mean it should be thrown out the window. One of the main concepts of ADF druidry is that of nurturing relationships.  Relationships with the holy kindred, with the cosmos, nature, each other and ourselves. Thusly forgiveness, it seems to me, is a necessity for the continued healthy *Ghosti of these relationships.  Forgiveness is an important tool to spiritual, emotional, and mental health.  To be clear I want to point out that I am not talking about forgetting.  That is simplistic and foolhardy.  Knowing, believing that forgiveness has intrinsic value, I sat down and began to think about what forgiveness really is?  What is it made up of?  Like a stone in a river I turned it around over and over, taking away the extra and polishing the core of the concept.  What I have come away with is that forgiveness is nothing more than a letting go of anger.  That's it.  It's that simple and yet so hard to do at times.

                It is the natural state of things that we feel emotion.  A complex web of cognitive and subconscious thought, hormones, ego and culture.   Ideally emotions should flow freely like a river or creek.  Sometimes the water is shallow, like the river I grew up on in the summers.  So shallow in places you could walk from one shore to the other never getting more then thigh deep.  Other times the water is deep and fast and dangerous overflowing the banks and seemingly washing us away from time and place.  Always flowing, always coming, that is emotion.  Having someone hurt and anger us is an inevitable part of being in relationship, any kind of relationship.  it's going to happen from time to time.  However when we hold onto the hurt and anger is when we start to have problems.  It's akin to trying to dam up the river.  The anger and hurt build and build and build.  We then are forced to release small amounts of that emotion in some form to keep it from over whelming us and overflowing the banks of the river and the dam.  These dammed and stagnant waters are resentment.  If we don't do something those waters become putrid, tainting the relationship .  The ideal of course is to not build any dam at all.  To simply let the emotions flow, but being channeled into a healthy and constructive outlet appropriate to the situation at hand. When we do build dams, as we all do from time to time, it will be best to tear them down.  That is to let go of the anger and resentment, to forgive.  Only then when we have let go can we get in right relationship with whatever or whoever caused us to feel hurt. 

                Forgiveness is a subtle thing, at times a difficult thing. Even after forty years on this planet, I still struggle with it at times. So how do we let go?  how do we forgive? That is an excellent question, but like so many of the most important questions of life, there is no one easy answer.  It's a learning.  It's something we must all figure out for ourselves.  It seems to me that it is very much a personal process.  Magical workings may be of help.  Perhaps writing, or singing, physical activity and exercise.  For some it may be they can take the dam down quickly, for others it may take longer, and it may depend on just how long or how "high" the dam has been in place and built.  Some hurts may take us years and years to let go of.  Perhaps some we never will, though we should all try, for the beauty of a natural flowing river cannot be understated. 

                So is forgiveness a virtue?  Since I see forgiveness as nothing more than a fancy word for letting go of anger, I say no.  It is a skill and a tool for better health and a happier life for sure.  Letting go is Wisdom and that is a virtue.  Letting go shows moderation and that is a virtue.  Letting go takes vision and perseverance and those are also virtues.  Most of all letting go takes courage and that is most definitely a virtue. 

                The ancient stories don't model forgiveness well it seems to me.  Perhaps it was the time, or they just didn't understand the value of it.  Whatever the reason, forgiveness is a good thing...a healthy thing.  It's part of our modern culture and I hope it stays.  I hope that we all get very good at it.  Not for the benefit of those who hurt us, but for the good of ourselves and for the good of our relationships.

May the kindred bless your journey. 

Chasing away the lonliness birds

I haven't had the heart to write in a long time.  Just as I was beginning my new career as a R.N. The protogrove lost most of its membership.  Just at that time when I needed more support and help with, most everyone walked away.  They all had different reasons.  That and the added stress of a new nursing career and working twelve our night shifts for the first time in my life, well I lost my spiritual footing for a bit.  Instead of doing the work of druidry, I turned to video games.  It was innocent enough at first.  I would stay up all night before my first night of work for the week playing them.  Ah but in the late dark hourse, the "loneliness" birds began to quietly flock in.  Soon I was playing the game during all my free time, seeking to escape the lonely feelings and the stressful feelings.  Yet it only made me more lonely, more stressed.  Without realizing it I slipped into a depressive cycle that only feed into itself.  Thus I did not write, I did not meditate, I did not give offerings.  I let slip my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors.  I forgot to tend the fires of relationship with the kindred, the family, friends, and myself.  I *ghosti was broken.  I felt alone like I have never felt before.  Soul deep loneliness.  Misery.  I suddenly saw myself as Gollum when Bilbo first discovered him alone in the bottom darkness of a giant mountain.  Alone with only my "precious".  Then I remembered.  I remembered when I was happy.  I remembered what I was doing  with my life at that time.  I remembered what it felt like, and some of the "loneliness birds" flew away.   I then took up my crane bag, sat down in front of my alter and I re-established the fires of my relationship with the gods, spirits, and ancestors, and especially with Bridghid.  I asked for their help in ending this depression.  I gave offerings and rededicated myself to the work of druidry.   Then some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away.  When I was done, I got up and set to rearranging the garage and cleaning it out.  It was 2am before I stopped for the time being.  When I went to sleep, I slept better than I had in months and some more of the "loneliness birds" flew away. 

                A few days later and things began to happen.  I was asked to give a talk at a state collage to give a talk to a anthropology class about modern druidry.  I have set my schedule to allow me to return to the weekly pagan meetup group starting in Feb.  As for the protogrove?  I leave that up to the kindred, though currently I am not going to actively seek to rekindle it.  Perhaps if the right people come....

For now it is proper for me to focus on my inner work.  To regain my right relationship with the cosmos, to set my feet firmly again upon the path of peace, joy, and fulfillment. 

Devotion to the anvil, the flame, and the well...for the time being.

There certainly is a trend within the Neo-Pagan movement these days for people to devote themselves to one particular patron deity.  Some see this as a good thing, a return to the "old days" when there were priests devoted to a particular god or goddess.  Others disagree and feel it can be dangerous and that it lacks balance.  As for myself, I have decided that it really comes down to each to their own, and I also suggest a third path.  That we are not limited to devoting ourselves to just one deity, nor are we required to honor all deities.  I feel that the best path, at least for me, is one of balance.  That each deity in a pantheon has lessons to teach, and that the seeker of spiritual truth must devote time and energy to each in turn.  I am finding in my journey upon this pagan path that deities seem to flow into my life and out again.  When I first stepped back on the pagan path in 2005, it was Cernunnos who was seemingly the main divine influence of my life, though there were others as well.  My time with him taught me many things about sex, nature, hunting, joy, and festivals.  Taught me things about myself that I would not have learned any other way.  In time he seemed to slip out of my life and I found myself learning from Lugh for several years now.  I have studied his stories and even heard him speak to me once.  I have learned about leadership and skill. I have learned about achieving excellence.  Again I have learned about myself and who I am.  I thought that I would be working with Lugh forever.  I thought that this was going to be my patron till the end of time.  Yet he too seems to have slipped into the background, and now I find myself standing before Brighid hearing her call.  So it is that I have chosen to dedicate myself to working with her, studying her myths, and learning what I can from her about myself and the cosmos around me...for a year and a day.  At that time I will reevaluate if I want to and need to continue the partnership or if I will move onto studying and working with another deity.  

          So what have I noticed so far?  Well for one I find myself being more easily moved emotionally then I have ever been in the past.  I find myself being more compassionate and patient with those around me.  I also have started to have inspirations for poems come to me, and strongly enough to bring me to tears.  None of those poems have made it out of my head yet, but I suspect they may soon. I also plan to seek formal admittance to ADF's special interest group devoted to Brighid, perhaps I will do some flame keeping of my own.  

         No longer do I assume that though Brighid is the immediate divine "go to" in my life, that she will always be there.  I will not make grandiose claims that she has "claimed" me as her own or any such thing.  Only that she is here now, and has many many lessons to teach me about the anvil, the flame, and the well.   

She giveth...she taketh away

I am sad to report that the temple project has had to come to an end.  We have lost the support of the partner of the location we were using, and can not afford the rent on our own.  I am not as upset as many here suspected I would be.  I always knew that this was a probably and possible outcome.  I also knew that I had to try...that we had to try.  I hope that my attempt has inspired other's in the community to what we might accomplish some day.

Profane Into the Sacred: The creation of an Urban Pagan Temple

                It all started with a simple phone call.  An aquiantance I have known and worked with social on and off over the years was, according to my cell phone display, calling me.  It was a bit of a surprise, she does not often contact me.  Curious as to what it could be about, I answered.  In short she was calling because she had acquired an old machine shop she was going to turn into a dance studio.  It had a large fenced yard and was wondering if I and the pagan community would be interested in using it for rituals.  At first I was skeptical.  I have, over the years been looking for such a site.  I have seen all sorts of places and none of them worked for or another.  Still, I told her I would come by and look at it. It was after all less than a block away.  I am so glad I did.  It is about as perfect a space as any urban druid could hope fore!  Well, perfect in the practical no non-sense business kind of way.  It already has 6 foot tall fencing with three layers of bobbed wire around the time to keep out would be vandals.  It is tucked away just off a main road behind buildings.  It is easy to get to, has a bus stop not even a block away, and plenty of parking.  There is water.  It is however devoid of life.  It is an ugly dirty brown barren piece of land.  Bits of metal and plastic, glass and junk are frequent.  The earth itself is hard backed desert brown that has been infused with the droppings of oil and industrial waste.  Digging down one gets less than an inch before hiding dirt mixed with oil and hard packed by years of trucks and machinery rolling over it.  Only a pick axe or jack hammer can break it up.  This earth eats shovels for lunch.  The surrounding businesses are another machine shop type building, a lumber and stone yard, and a gas company depot.  Across the street is more of the same.  It’s an industrial area to say the least.  In short it’s a functional but ugly piece of land.  I brought some of the other leaders of the pagan community over to look at it with me.  We decided to go for it.  So it is that I have spearheaded this project.  I have gathered together those of the community willing to be founders and their vow to cover the very reasonable rent.  We are going to take this ugly profane piece of land and transform it, to the best of our abilities to something sacred and beautiful. 

                Having started working on the site, pick axe swinging, I got to thinking about those “special” and “holy” places and places like this one which just…well are profane, or perhaps profaned.  It would be nice to find one of those special magical places with trees and grass and a great view and build a temple there.  Yet when I thought about it, it occurred to me how much easier that is then what we are attempting to do here, magically speaking.  Yet it is needed so much more in this dirty, ugly industrial landscape.  To transform this little piece of land into something natural, beautiful, and a place of worship…well, what more powerful magic could there be?  This is, in many ways, the most powerful “magical” working I have ever done.   It won’t happen overnight, and I am sure there will be bumps along the way, but for now all is flowing and falling into place.  Though my muscles are sore from the pick axe work I have done the last two days to raise standing stones and place torches, my spirits are soaring.  I believe the kindred approve of this venture and are and will continue to help.  As I worked today a pure white pigeon flow low over the temple with a branch in its beak, and landed in the rafters of the lumber yard next door.  Though cliché’, I take this to be a very good omen indeed. 

Below are some photos of the site and the progress made thus far.  

More Walk, Less Talk

               I have learned something about myself and my spiritual path of late.  I am a “doer” more than I am a “thinker”.  I do Druidry and sorcery rather than think, write, or pontificate about nature, druidry and the holy kindred.  Recently I have noticed several of the other bloggers I enjoy reading, people who are far superior writers and maybe even better thinkers then I, going on and on about Anthropomorphism and the nature of the gods.  Frankly I am board of it.  Though I understand the idea that they are trying to “dig deeper” and come to some sort of better understanding, I can’t help but feel they would be much better off stepping away from their computers and spending time sitting under a tree and actually practicing.  Not saying they don’t mind you.  It just feels to me like they are spinning their wheels like a hamster in its cage.  Lots of work and energy spent, but never really leading anywhere.  I don’t see how it will make them a better person or strengthen their connection to the kindred, nature, or even bring them enlightenment.  In my way of Druidry one is better served by doing the work and experiencing the kindred and nature then by just reading and thinking about it. 

                This has come up personally in my fledgling Protogrove.  We have grown in membership significantly over the last year, however, very few of them are actually DOING the work.  They are not meditating regularly, or doing the two powers exercise.  They don’t spend time in nature or at their shrines (if they even have one).  They show up almost every week at the Dedicant’s class I teach each week and they are mostly happy to help out and participate in the high day rites.  So what then is the message?  To me it tells me they are happy to talk the talk, but when it comes to the walk…well they only want to show up and play their part at the high-day. The actual day to day work, that I feel where the real work and growth and meaning of Druidry is found is just not in them.  Personally, I am ok with that for them.  It’s their choice.  However Druidry is a religion of doing, and you get out of it what you put into it.  A few of the “new” members of the protogrove are starting to drift away.  It is not unexpected.  ADF isn’t for everyone, and though people are often enamored with the idea of being a Druid, they really can’t be bothered to place one foot in front of the other and do the work.  Make no mistake, hard work it is. 

                I am not a great writer, or an amazing thinker.  I am a doer, and I lead from the front.  I do the work of a Druid Priest and sorcerer every day.  I then write about my experiences here on this blog in the hopes it will help others and as a journal of my travels.  So you won’t find large complex philosophical ideas that are wonderfully or beautifully typed out.  You will find me doing my best to express the experiences I have and some thoughts surrounding them upon my path of Druidry.  Look not to these pages to find me, but to the river’s edge under the trees, three sticks of incense burning. 

My Ministry

Ministry is defined as “Work or vocation of a minister of religion”.  As I am coming toward the completion of my first circle clergy training with ADF I am beginning to envision what my work, my ministry, will look like.  Some of it is forming organically as needs of the grove become evident, such as the need to teach a class on the dedicant's path. I see my ministry with two main streams; the stream of public ritual and the stream of private practice. 

                My ministry in public ritual is to write and lead public rites for each of the eight highdays.  It is also to do other types of rituals as well such as hand-fastings, funerary rites, coming of age and transitional ceremonies, as well as personal rites of purification and blessing. When called upon I will lend my skill as a sorcerer.  This stream is perhaps the most obvious parts of my ministry. 

                The other stream of my ministry is going to be about helping people with their personal practice.  In this I see myself as a coach.  I will teach techniques, such as meditation, prayers, and rituals for personal use.  I will also encourage people to do the work of Druidry, just as a coach encourages his players to practice and train.  As part of this I also see myself performing pastoral counseling.  In this counseling I will make use of the philosophies, stories, and skills of Druidry to help people navigate the issues and crisis of their lives. 

                What you won’t see in my ministry is me telling you how to believe.  You won’t see me telling you are wrong for feeling a certain way.  I won’t make you feel small, ashamed, or try to enslave you.  My ministry is empowerment and giving a person the tools they need to feel spiritually fulfilled. 

How Druidry has helped me in my own healing process

A reader of this blog asked me recently on an old post how has this spiritual path helped me to heal, and do I have suggestions.  Here is my answer. 

                First Druidry got me back in-touch with myself and got me to see who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.  It also, and this is a big one, got me back in touch with feeling at one with nature.  This was very much a balm to my tortured soul and ego.  I did this by spending time quietly in nature.  Hours of hiking some place quiet and just sitting, stilling the thoughts and emotions, just listening to the nothing and everything that is nature.  The two powers exercise got me in touch with the energies of nature and of magick. 

                Shamanic work has been and still is a key component to my healing process.  Through Shamanic techniques I have come to the realization that I was just running through the forest shooting everything I came across with arrows.  Years later I was able to face my shadow self for the first time, and then again not so long ago.  Shamanic journeys taught me that at the heart of the greatest evil could be found good intent. This was a seed to forgiving my ex. 

                Druidry has given me a system for doing daily work with the holy kindred made up of the gods, land spirits and the ancestors.  All of these beings have spoken to me at different times guiding me to be a better person.  All have brought blessings and challenges my way. 

                Paganism and Druidry have brought the most amazing friendships my way that I have ever had.  Friendships that have let me tell and retell the pain and suffering that I needed to get out.  Friendships that have loved me when I couldn’t love myself. 

                How do I know I have healed?  I know because the buttons the ex use to push so easily no longer work.  Nor do I anger as easily as I once did.  I find my days filled with joy and laughter. I wake up in the mornings excited for the day and looking forward to what may come.  Recently I have found myself growing ever more compassionate.  When I hear things that would have in the past made me feel angry and or indignant about something someone did, I now only feel empathy toward them and wonder what pain they must be in to behave such. 

                One thing is that is key, absolutely essential, and this applies to any spiritual practice that is going to bring about healing is that you have to DO IT!  I mean really do it and do it every day.  You have to live it, eat it, breathe it, sleep with it.  It has to become a part of what you do every day, of who you are. Do it when you’re board with it. Do it when it’s raining, hot, cold, stinky.  I don’t care if it’s raining bombs out…do it.  I do it when I am sick, when I am stressed, when I am mad, when I happy, when I am tired. When I am busy, I just get out of bed earlier.  It’s not enough to read a book, or watch a youtube video, or just think about doing it.  You have to actually DO THE WORK.  Any spiritual system in the world can lead one to healing, but even the most powerful one won’t do anything if you don’t DO THE WORK.  Most days I enjoy it, but some days I understand why it’s called “work”.  There are so many things out there that will try to distract you.  Kids are a huge one, work, significant others, pets, chores, TV shows.  All of these things are only distractions and obstacles if you allow them to be.  They all have solutions.  They are all just excuses why you didn’t/don’t do the work. 

Someone once emailed me and asked me, “in your words, what does it mean to be a druid?”  My response was simply this; To be a druid you must have the heart of a poet, the will of a warrior, and the mind of a scholar.  

Winter Solstice Update

My how the Protogrove has grown in the last year!  I re-read what I wrote about last year’s Winter Solstice rite.  At that time the Protogrove was made up of three members.  Since then we have gained some and lost some.  We are now up to eight active members besides myself.  We now have bylaws in place, and will soon be applying for Grove status with ADF.  We also now have weekly Dedicant’s path meetings, as well as once a month business and planning meetings.  Having more members has been a blessing for sure, but it also makes things more complicated in ways as well.  There are more personalities to deal with for one.  Not that this is a difficult thing per say, but it can complicate issues at times.  When planning for high day rites and festivals, there are more people to help, but also more people for me to constantly check in with to make sure things are getting done, and at the same time finding the balance so that one is not micro-managing.  I am also learning to trust others to get things done.  The last few years I have had to rely mostly on just me to make sure things get done.  Now I am having to rely on others and I am finding that at times it’s difficult.  I have had just so many experiences in my life when relying on others was a mistake.  So far however the group is going strong and all is rolling along nicely. 

                This year we are doing our winter solstice ritual in combination with KCPC the local eclectic pagan meetup.  We will be doing the ritual in ADF’s Core Order of Ritual.  As part of that however we will be doing the Oak king/Holly King battle, as well as our candle lighting ceremony which is becoming a Yule tradition.  In this ceremony, I light a candle from the sacred fire, then I light the candle to the person on my left saying “may my inner light spark your inner light”.  Then in turn do the same to the person on their left.  The lighting goes all around the circle then the last person will light a large three wick candle on the alter representing the whole of the community.  Then we give people the opportunity to honor those in the community who have helped in some way. 

                Another new adventure ahead of us this year is the building of a public temple for worship ceremonies of all the different pagan paths in the community.  I was approached by a friend who is converting an old machine shop into a dance studio/meeting hall.  It comes with a fenced dirt yard that she isn’t interested in using and asked me if we would like to use it for rituals.  I looked at it and it will be perfect!  I am in the process of bringing the idea to the community and gaining their financial support.

                On a more personal note, my personal practice continues on strong as ever.  I do morning offerings each day with two powers meditation and some trance work on other days.  I recently have noticed an opening and expanding of my “heart”.  I am feeling far more compassionate and empathic of late.  I am not sure what has brought this about.  It could be that Brigid is coming more into my life and spirit.  It could be a natural evolution of my inner work.  Perhaps it’s a reflection of the book I am currently reading about the art of blessing.  Whatever has caused it, I like it.  I still feel strong, just more loving, more patient.  I am also still chipping away on ADF’s clergy training program.  I am getting to the end of it now, and I have learned so much.  I have also begun serious thoughts on what my “ministry” will look like, but I feel that is worth a blog post in itself.  For now I will leave you with this prayer of thanks I wrote as part of my clergy training in my Liturgical Writing class. 

Samildanach!

Sage of every art,

Master of the high seat,

I thank you for blessing me and mine with skill.

Lugh  Lámhfhada,

The eye striker,

Champion of champions,

I thank you for protecting me and mine from the powers of chaos and oppression.

Light Bringer,

Oath Keeper,

Law speaker,

I thank you for the harvest that brings bread upon this table.

As a gift calls for a gift:

My skill is your skill,

My protection is your protection,

My harvest is your harvest,

Hail Lugh of the long arm!

Summary: I drew much of the inspiration for this prayer from Cath Maige Tuired.  When the god Lugh first makes his appearance at the gates of Tara he is asked his name and replies that it is Samildanach which means “equally skilled in all arts”; which he proves to be a master of.  Once he enters Tara he takes the seat of the sage, and later that of the king.  Here I talk about the high seat of the sage and name him master as a reflex of his mastery of all skills. 

            Lugh Lamhfhada is another well known name meaning “Lugh of the long arm” and relates to his skill with the spear.  I came up with the kenning of “eye striker” because of the story in the Cath Maige Tuired where Lugh takes out the “evil eye” of his grandfather Balor.  The Tuatha De Danan were champions, but Lugh was champion above even them evidenced by his many feats in the Cath Maige Tuired, thus the title I gave him as “champion of champions”.  The title of light bringer I came up with from the possibility that the etomology of Lugh’s name comes from the Proto Indo-European *leuk  -flashing light (Wikipedia).  Though in Victorian times people thought him a solar deity I believe this *leuk refers not to the sun but to the strike of lightning.  Add to this the epitaph of “fierce striker” and that lightning storms are said to be from Lugh and Balor fighting in folk tales; I agree with Alexi Kondratiev (1997) that the light of Lugh is the sudden blinding light of the lightning flash.  “Oath Keeper” is a reference to another possible etiology of his name which means “oath” and was a god who was often invoked when contracts and business dealings were being done (Wikipedia).  The title “law speaker” I give him because of his role in the story “The sons of Tuireann” where he up holds the laws and names an eric for his father’s murderers.  The reference to the harvest has to do with the end of the Cath Maige Tuired where Bres gives up the secrets of planting, growing and harvesting.  The ending of the prayer draws upon the idea of reciprocity.  It is designed to show how the speaker and Lugh are deeply connected through this process. 

Victory!

Today I stand strong, the hero’s light shinning from my brow.  I have reached deep, “eaten bitter” and finished Nursing School.  Nothing in my life has challenged me as nursing school has.  Readers will know that I failed the last semester and had to repeat it.  This was the first time in my life I ever failed to meet my goal.  I had no one to blame but myself.  Through this process I learned a lot about me and I had to learn to deal with failure in a way I have never had to before.  I learned that given the choice between the easy road of mediocrity and the hard road of excellence, I will choose the harder road.  Today not only did I successful complete that last semester, I received the grade of an A and got excellent reviews from my clinical instructors.  I have already been offered, and accepted, a job at a local hospital.  I feel redeemed.  I feel victorious. 

                In “A hero with a thousand faces”  by Joseph Campbell, he describes the hero’s journey.  It starts at status que, then there is the call to adventure.  Along the way the hero meets a more experienced guide who helps them.  The hero faces a serious of traps, enemies, or challenges.  Then the here will face their biggest challenge.  This then changes the hero.  The hero returns to the start with something new.  A new knowledge, magic, technology, idea…something.  Also the hero is changed.  Nursing school has been my hero’s journey.  My call was the need for financial stability, and I think the call of the goddess Bridgit and Lugh, not to mention the call of my ancestors, many of whom were healers.  I had the help of many teachers and instructors, who guided me, and armed me with information and knowledge.  I faced many challenges; tests, with questions that required multiple levels of critical thinking, difficult situations with patients and their families.  I had to confront my own fears, multiple times.  At the end, just when I thought I was going to be done, I was told that I had failed to meet the requirements of level 4 clinic.  I could have walked away at the point right there, but I was given the option to keep coming to class, so I did.  I had to learn how to deal with failure.  I learned it was much like the process of dealing with the loss of a loved one, with stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance.  At the end, I was given the opportunity to either be graduated with my class, though the instructor felt I would have a “large uphill climb” when I got into the real world; or to come back and she promised me a seat in the next semester, and come out standing on top of that hill.  I had no time to think, a decision had to be made then and there.  It was a poignant moment of my life.  You see I had a lot of pressure to be done.  My wife hates her job and was only waiting for me to finish school and start a job to quite.  My kids could use the extra income to better their lives.  To be done was so tempting.  “to hell with what the teacher says, I know what I am doing, I could be done and get a job…but what if I really don’t know what I am doing…what if I hurt someone..”  These were but a few of the thoughts and pressures going through my head in that moment.  Looking back I feel this moment was perhaps a test from the gods.  Maybe it was Lugh, maybe Brigit, maybe both, maybe none, I can’t say but I know what I choose. I choose to repeat the semester.  I choose the road of excellence.

                Today I stand strong; the hero’s light shinning from my brow.  I have reached deep, “eaten bitter” and finished nursing school.  Nothing in my life has challenged me as nursing school has. Through this process I learned a lot about myself and I had to learn to deal with failure in a way I have never had to before.  I learned that given the choice between the easy road of mediocrity and the hard road of excellence, I will choose the harder road.  Today not only did I successful complete that last semester, I received the grade of an A and got excellent reviews from my clinical instructors. I have already been offered, and accepted, a job at a local hospital.  I feel redeemed.  I feel victorious. 

                

Healing with Milk

             Earlier this summer a friend and fellow pagan contacted me via Facebook, asking me to send some “healing energy” to her father who had been admitted to the ICU.  I could have done as asked as I often do with a simple inclusion of an extra prayer for them in my morning ritual.  Instead though, I felt perhaps more was needed.  I asked for more specifics as to what was going on with her father.  She began to run the story of what was happening, and having been a nursing student in ICU for six weeks I quickly came to the conclusion that things were dire indeed. His cerebral spinal fluid was disappearing and the Doctors couldn’t figure out where. Then suddenly he suffered from in increase in cranial pressure and went into a coma and had to be put on a ventilator. Bed sores were present and several other co morbidities. My logical, clinical nursing trained mind told me that his chances of survival were the width of a thread…over a fire.  I of course did not share this with my friend, I learned long ago to be very careful about saying such things to those who love the one in such a condition.  I told her I would do what I could.  My magical mind told me that this was going to require a LOT more than just some “good vibes”.  I set to work to call upon a spirit of the court of Bridgit. 

                I scanned through Ian’s book and came up with the spirit Slainte Beir.  Though I had not worked with her before, she has, according to Ian agreed to work with the Druids of ADF, and I had done a number of workings to gain the authority of Bridgit to work with her spirits in the past.  I laid out my alter and supplies.  Cream it turns out is the spirits preferred offering, but as it turned out, I had none.  It was too late for me to go and get some, so I decided to make do with milk.  I gathered a number of other offering items for Bridgit herself as well as the Cuach Brid.  This working was to take place at my indoor shrine.  I performed the ritual using the Core order of ritual.  Once the gates were open I called upon my spirit guides for aid in this working.  I then called on Brig using the prayers in Ian’s book.  I offered to her and took an omen.  I no longer remember now what specifically I drew, but the question was if Brig had accepted the offerings and if I had her go ahead for the working.  I did.  I then got my center again, and called upon Slainte Beir.  Three times I called and gave offerings.  Unlike some lucky folk, I am not one who easily sees spirits or hears them either.  So after the calling the offerings, I sit and drum and go into a trance state, where I hope to find the spirits at the crossroads.  I was happy to say that I did.  I parlayed with her a bit and explained to her my need and the needs of the dying man.  She told me that it would require three separate sacrifices of milk, poured over a large rock, and that I would know the times when to do them.  With that the spirit left and I ended the working. 

                I wrote to my friend via Facebook, what the spirit had told me.  She agreed to do the offerings, and said it would be no trouble.  I then found out her father was to go into surgery the next morning.  I felt that would be the time for the first offering.  The surgery was to try and discover what was going on with the man’s cerebral spinal fluid.  How it want from not being enough, to be too much in a very short period of time.  They never found a good answer, but after the surgery and the offering, he began to improve.  I was a bit surprised to be honest, but pleasantly so.  From that time on he slowly began to recover and improve.  Two more surgeries and offerings of milk were given throughout his stay.  After thirty days in the ICU my friends father was discharged to a skilled nursing facility.  He had lost forty pounds of muscle and body weight and could no longer easily support himself to do activities of daily living.  I am happy to report that a few weeks after that he was discharged home.  He still is recovering his health, but is for the most part living a normal life. 

                So, what happened?  Was it the working?  Was it good health care?  As someone who has taken care of people in the ICU, some of whom died, you get a feel for how  things are going to go.  As a future nurse, hearing all that was stacked up against this middle aged man, I believe with all I am that it was the help of this spirit that brought this man back from the brink of death. 

                I have often seen how the study of different types of “hard science”; i.e. mathematics, biology, chemistry, engineering, ect., will cause people to stop believing in spirits, gods, and magic.  Yet for me it has had the opposite effect.  It seems to me to only be providing proof that all that “woowoo” magic and spirits are in fact real and interacting with us. As in this experience, my hard science mind told me that he would most likely not survive, and yet he did! So something must have intervened, and that something was most likely the spirit I called upon.  So long as the hard sciences cannot in some way measure magic they will not accept it.  Honestly, I am ok with that.  I hope they never can measure it.  I hope there will always be forces in this world that can’t be understood with measurement; forces that must be felt and experienced and always leaving us a bit lost as to how it worked.  This is the re-enchanting of the world.  This is how it is done; one magical working at a time.  

Return of the black stag: palaver with my shadow-self

                A number of things have appeared to me over the last few days that indicated to me that it was time to once again do a spirit-journey and face my shadow self.  I haven’t worked with my shadow self in a number of years, not since about 2009.  My internal struggles dealing with what has occurred in regards to my failing to pass 4^th semester of nursing school has come to a head in the form of an intense discussion with my wife.  It has become apparent that I am not dealing with the emotional fall out of my failing as well as I would like.  The hurt, anger, and disappointment is slowly poisoning my attitude through this my relationships.  I have to admit the usual “joy” of life I feel has been notably absent the past few months.  While watching a TV show the other day where a main character took a inner journey in which he faced his own personal demons, it clicked that it was time for me to do the same.  So it was that today I made that happen. 

                I started my journey out in the usual manner.  I called out to any ancestors who would lend aid to join me and gave offering.  I called out to my guide and ally the stag, and to my patron and matron.  The journey turned out to be quite long as these things go, but then there was a lot to discuss and learn.  I entered the spirit world through the gate that I opened.  I found myself quickly falling down a tube of purplish clouds at a frightening speed.  I called out for help and stag appeared and caught me upon his back and slowed my decent at the last seconds then he gracefully leapt out the opening onto the hillside path I have come to know so well.  He took me down to the dale and the ring of stones.  It was night and very dark.  Happily the ever present fire blazed away in the center of the stone circle as usual.  The old teach however, was not there this time.  I ask where he was and stag told me he would be back in a little while, and that we should wait.  In short order I suddenly felt an ominous presence and out of the darkness into the far edge of the light of the fire. He looked as he had all those years ago;  A huge black stag with four eyes glowing red.  His antlers sharp and ragged edged.  He walked around the light and approached me.  Then he did something I have never seen him do before, he stood on hind legs and approached the last few yards in a bipedal walk.  I found it disconcerting.  His greeting was one of mockery, much as awkward bipedal walk.  And so the palaver began.  We talked of what I was feeling, about the hurt and anger.  I found myself having to show my shadow self that I had made the mistakes that lead to me failing, that it was not unjust.  This process has forced me to really accept with my heart what has happened.  That it is time to let go of the anger, hurt and disappointment.  That these feelings are keeping me from letting out the love and light I normally feel for the world.  In the course of the palaver I also was reminded that anger will not destroy anger.  Only love and acceptance will end my anger, hurt, and disappointment.  It is love and acceptance from myself to myself that is the key to releasing the anger and hurt.  Before I felt the talking was done however, the shadow-stag went down to all fours and walked away without a word or a look over his should as what was to be my last sentence with him fell from my mouth.  After watching him go, my guide, the brown stag indicated to follow him into the forest.  It was very dark, and I followed closely.  We came to a game trail and it lead to small stream.  I could barely see it, but heard it just fine.  The trail followed the stream downhill  and we came to a small pond.  It was very calm and gleamed with a sheen of silver from reflected moonlight of the full moon.  Suddenly my guide did something I had never seen him do before.  He also stood, but transformed into the torso and legs of a muscular man but retained the head of the stag.  He then walked slowly into the pond.  He beckoned me to follow.  I stripped off my clothes and waded in after him.  He told me to let myself float in the water.   I did as instructed and found that he placed his hands under me to help support me.  Here I simply found myself floating and letting go.  Letting go of…well of everything.  Stag told me to just relax, know that I am supported, to just go with the flow of the water without attachment or desire; to just be.  I did as instructed, but then wanted to know about how to reach goals.  If I just do nothing, I may never reach where I want to go.  I was told that even those who swim have to work with the currents or risk tiring themselves and drowning.  I continued to just float.  It felt so good to really let go completely and just trust that I would be all right.  The kind of trust that in the universe that I haven’t felt since before I met my ex-wife, the kind of trust a well taken care of child feels in the world.  After a period of time, I am not sure how long, it was time to go back.  At the edge of the pool, stag returned to his more natural form, and he guided me back toward the circle of stones.  However upon the way my shadow-self returned to block the path.  We spoke a bit more.  He was still rude and mocking, however instead of responding with anger and defensiveness back at him, I responded with acceptance and love.  This essentially shut him down and he quickly left back into the darkness of the woods.  However, I do know that we are far from done.  After this we walked by the stone circle toward the gateway.  Looking toward the fire, I saw the outline of the old teacher, who only waved as we walked by.  We reached the gate on the side of the hill and after a fond good bye, I stepped through and back to this side of the veil, and back into my body. 

                I will see what the next week brings to me, but have the intention to once again spirit-walk and again confront my shadow-self.  

Fire, Well, Sacred Tree, flow and flame and grow in me.

“The fire, the well and sacred tree; flow and flame and grow in me.”  So goes a commonly used phrase in ADF liturgy.  It is said in various ways at high day rites and by different groves, but the idea is all there.  The other day, a person publicly announced that they were leaving ADF because they found it did not focus enough on what was going on inside a person.  That it was too focused on devotionals. That they also think we spend all our time talking about “right relationship” and that they do not care about that or right action.  That ADF does not spend enough time dealing with “the messy, mucky, complicated, beautiful acts of being human that have nothing to do with how virtuous or pious we are.”

  I have pondered over their words for several days now, and to the writer I can only say they did not integrate the concepts, they did not enfold the metaphor to their inner life.  That is, the fault is not so much with the ADF but with the person.  You see good readers it is all METAPHOR!  Every religion;   all of them.  Every single one of them is a metaphor for our spiritual experiences in life.  Hey!, Great if they think they are literal truth, but with that truth is a metaphor.  It is up to the individual to integrate that metaphor into their life, thus finding the wisdom and unlocking the secrets to a spiritual existence.  No one can do this for another.  At best we can say “look this is a metaphor for your life, now figure out what it means to YOU. Apply it to YOU as you can.”   So to the charge that ADF is not inwardly focused, let me point out just a few of the ways I see that it is.  As noted at the beginning of this post ADF ritual tell us to “Let the waters flow within us, let the fire burn within us, and to let the tree grow within us.” This is a metaphor that means that we each need to tend to all the associations of the well, fire and tree, inside us.  What are these associations you ask?  I am happy to tell you, but it’s all just metaphors.  You would be a thousand times better off going about your own inner work and coming to understand what the associations are TO YOU.  How do you do that?  YOU TURN INWARD. 

                ADF is concerned with “right relationship” and rightly so I think.  Before I go on we need to have an understanding of what is meant by “right relationship”.  It means to maintain a balanced relationship between you and the gods, the spirits of nature (thus nature itself) and the ancestors.  It also means to maintain a right relationship with yourself.  How do you maintain right relationship with yourself?  YOU TURN INWARD.  To know if you are in “right relationship” with oneself you are forced to turn inward and address what one finds, then taking actions both internally and externally to bring that relationship back to balance. 

                As part of the Dedicant’s path the novice is asked to start what is called “mental discipline”.   This is some sort of practice that forces the novice to sit down at least once a week and turn inward.  For most this is some sort of meditation, though not always.  Though the requirement is weekly, I recommend that it be done daily.  Though again not required, this practice is encouraged to go on long after the Dedicant’s path work is done.  All of this is a form of ADF having a person TURN INWARD.   

                Once past the Dedicant’s work, we have several trainings that encourage further practices of Trance work and poetry that if applied correctly will cause a person to TURN INWARD. 

So I have shown a number of ways that ADF directs the person to turn inward.  ADF gives metaphor with which to navigate the inner world, and in the courses it asks the student to find techniques that will turn them inward.  All of these are tools that help a person deal with the “..messy, mucky, complicated, beautiful act of being human that have nothing to do with how virtuous or pious we are.”

The author finishes with “…I don’t think I can, through my own actions, earn my way to good standing with the Gods.”  To this I would share what a wise druid once told me, “Whether you think you can or you can’t…your right.” 

               ADF is not at all a perfect organization, and probably not a perfect religion.  It certainly is not the religion for everyone.  People come, do, and decide to go.  That’s great.  Just do not blame the system for your missing the road signs, not internalizing the metaphors, or finishing the work of the DP.  

Sometimes the bear wins

                “Sometimes the bear wins” or so the saying goes.  I think for perhaps the first time in my life I have gotten the full taste of this statement.  Nursing school has been my bear for the past two years.  It has been by far the most rigorous course of study I have ever undergone.  The sheer amount of information we must learn is often overwhelming.  I have lost sleep, and felt the strain on my marriage do to its demands.  On top of all that is the pressure for me to finish so that I can get out in the work force and be gainfully employed for the first time since 2007, so that my beloved water witch can get out of the job that she does not like, but supports us for now.  Add to that the building debt incurred by the costs of school; nope, no pressure there.  Well, it didn’t happen.  I made one too many mistakes in my clinical rotation and the instructor felt I was not ready to move on. So it is that I will be forced to retake the 4^th and final semester of nursing school over again.  The fallout from this decision has been a huge learning experience for me on a spiritual and emotional level.  My wife was angry.  Having to tell my father, a retired physician, was embarrassing.  Never in my life have I suffered such a defeat.  I who learned two foreign languages by the time I was 23.  Who has a 2^nd degree black belt and taught others to that level.  I who have helped hundreds of people over come pain and discomfort both physical and emotional; I who built a tight night, healthy and loving pagan community where none existed before.  I of my own doing failed, and at a time when so many were counting on me.  

                I cried, I felt shame and embarrassment, I did not give up.  I did not crumble or throw in the towel. I did not blame anyone else.  I sat, in front of my altar, and I gave my daily offerings.  I walked my spirit-journey and spoke with the stag and the old teacher.  I asked “why?” a LOT.  I played out the events over and over, finding every fault and error.  What I did not do was start throwing magic and energy around wildly.  I did not summon spirits to do more than help me learn from this process and to help me get through it.  The instructor offered me the option to stop coming to class, or to continue on and finish out the semester knowing I would receive a “No Pass” regardless of my actually percentage grade.  I knew immediately what the courageous course of action was.  I continued on.  I studied and took every test.  I learned all I could, for it was made clear to me that this is the way of champions, the path of the hero. 

                All people suffer times when things do not happen as they would have wished…everyone.  However, not everyone fails.  The difference being between those who suffer a setback and then give up, and those who regroup, and continue on, changed in some way, but still trying to reach the goal.  One of the things that an instructor said to me when I was given the news of my defeat was that “things happen for a reason.”  When I was younger, high school years, I believed this strongly.  Somewhere along the way, I lost this point of view or rather I became cynical about it.  Thinking “sure it happens for a reason, people fuck up.”  Not me though.  In my spirit work it has come clear to me that part of why I suffered this setback was to be humbled a bit.  I admit, I was cocky coming into the nursing program.  I had a string of scholastic successes behind me.  I have also come to believe that I suffered, am still suffering this “setback” because I had to learn lessons about pulling it together and continuing on, about not giving up and making it a failure.  With these lessens I will be better able to guide others who might come to me for advise when I receive my ordination from ADF.  I have also been lead to believe that by being forced to repeat this last semester Lugh wants me to master as much as I can of the art and science of nursing before I hit the workforce.  Half-assed or “good enough” may be acceptable to others, but not to devotee of Lugh.  Excellence is the bar to which I excel in all that I chose to do.  This is both the reward and curse of being a “Lughvian”. 

                At the end of the semester, the head instructor sat down with me for my final review.  She was Impressed with how much she had seen me grow.  She was impressed with how well I handled the situation and took responsibility and did not blame others.  She told me then she was considering graduating me, but that if she did so, I would have an uphill battle to face on my first job.  I also knew that I had missed most of the interviews for new grads into the local hospitals.  In a matter of a few seconds all of that I have learned and come to accept swirled into the decision for me to not be passed. 

                Why not glamour your way?  Why not call upon the spirits to blind the instructors to your mistakes?  I have asked myself this same question as well.  The answer is comes down to this: sometimes you have to accomplish something by the strength of your raw ability unaided by magic.  If I had used magic and been graduated without really being competent what danger would I be placing any future patients in?  Whose death might I inadvertently cause?  No, in this situation magic simply would not do. 

                Now I await news if I will be accepted back into the fourth semester and you can bet your silver chalice that I have and am using magic to influence that decision.  I will continue to offer to Brigit and Lugh, the spirits and my ancestors for aid in learning, and guidance in action.  I have learned much from this experience, and have been humbled by it.  I however will not give up on my goals.  I am not done, and this battle is not over.  I am currently enrolled in a nursing skills lab class where I am polishing my skills and knowledge base and work toward excellence.